It’s so hard to write about food and my relationship with it. Probably because it is incredibly unhealthy – the relationship that is. I’ve come to the realization that I use food as a drug for my emotional well being. It would all be fine if I just felt fine, right?
I’m a lucky person in that I never had a difficult time with weight growing up. Even in to college I was relatively healthy and active and maintained what the medical world would consider and healthy “in-range” BMI. I fluctuated, for sure, depending on how much physical activity I was doing and how much money I had to spend on food or, yes, alcohol.
And then I turned 29 and got sick. It was as if overnight I couldn’t do things that I normally did and took for granted. I used to walk home the 2.5 miles from work every day instead of riding the bus. And suddenly I couldn’t walk to the bus stop in front of my house without feeling like I was going to pass out. I didn’t look any different but I felt like I was on the verge of dying at any given moment.
I was diagnosed with Graves Disease and given medications to try to slow down my thyroid but I spent a year with uncontrolled hyperthyroidism on a highest safe dose of medication and other drugs to lower my heart rate and blood pressure. I found myself 30 years old and facing possible heart problems if I kept going the way I was going. I chose surgery.
And then that unhealthy relationship with food started having consequences. I realized what triggered what behavior and that the binging I did when I was stressed out or full of anxiety meant actual weight gain because I no longer had a thyroid or any natural metabolism to boost by the tricks I learned my entire previous life.
When I was upset or depressed I was never hungry so I starved myself. It happened so many times in my teens and twenties. I would fall deep in to a depression and not eat for days. I would survive on water alone. The thought of food would make me want to throw up.
It took so many years but I thought I had finally figured out how to keep myself healthy and keep the doctors from talking to me about my BMI every time I came in to the office. I learned how the body worked with regards to eating and food and fuel. I learned this all from a hypnotist that described everything is such a way that it just clicked and I immediately started to eat her way and I felt better.
The hypnotism lasted over a year and I felt great. And then a ton of stress hit me all at once. And I broke down and started binging food that I wouldn’t have been eating. I’ve been so stressed out and full of anxiety for a year and I’ve been trying to fix it would food. And its not going to work and it never will.
I’m making a commitment to go back to eating the way I did post hypnotism. I felt better and had more energy and I think my moods were in better control then as well.
Autoimmune disease is a struggle. I will forever be on medication and getting blood work to make sure I’m on the right dose. I’ll have a lifelong battle with weight gain and loss. I’ll have times where I’m depressed or lethargic just because my medication is wrong. But the best thing I can do for myself is to love myself the way I am and start to repair the relationship I have with food. I can’t wait to start.